The Americans With No Abilities Act - Fictitious Or Not

photo from original piece published in The Onion in 1998

 

Thanks to a long time subscriber for sending an alert regarding a piece of legislation entitled The Americans With No Abilities Act.  Trouble is the government doesn't need new legislation in this regard since it has been promoting the principles of the act for years.

 

But this one is all in fun.  The original piece was published by the satirical newspaper The Onion (self billed as "America's Finest News Source") in 1998.  Variants like the version below have been widely circulated including one Australian version.  All of the fabricated quotes in the original were attributed to Bill Clinton but have been updated to more current political figures except for (the fictitious) Mary Lou Gertz who remained in all the versions although her job changed from an unessential filing clerk in the original to a lug-nut twister in the version making the rounds today.

 

The Onion's articles comment on current events, both real and fictional.  Decide for yourself if the piece below is fictitious or does it describe exactly what is going on in America today?

 

The Americans With No Abilities Act

 

President Barack Obama and the Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the National Railroad Passenger Corporation better known as Amtrak, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.  Approximately 74 percent of Amtrak employees lack any job skills, making this for-profit enterprise that loses $1 billion annually even with government subsidies one of the largest U.S. employers of Persons With No Ability.  The Transportation Security Agency was a close runner up to Amtrak as a favorite in a poll among politicians. Under the act, it will be perfectly acceptable to be in second place.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68 percent), and home-improvement warehouse stores (65 percent). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the nonabled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Vice President Joe Biden: "As an ex-senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."